2024-09-28 autistic
So... I'm autistic.
To nobody's surprise, I am now officially diagnosed with autism. I mean, I've done tests in the past with psychologists who were like, okay, we're gonna do this test, but it's a formality. I don't need to do this test to tell that you're autistic.
...yeah. Fucking walking symptom over here.
This process took between a year and twenty-seven years. It depends on how you look at it. Because looking back, I mean, it was really obvious that I was an autistic kid, to the point where some doctors mentioned that it was likely that I was autistic. Yet despite seeing doctors and psychiatrists my entire childhood to the point of me being instinctively scared of them now and needing to be accompanied at many appointment to feel safe... I was never diagnosed.
But I finally met a good one. Except that he fucking left! The dude stopped! Friday night was his last day!
I finally met a psychiatrist that was acting in a humane way, treating me like a human being and the dude left. Damn it! Like, the guy I met before him, I would honestly accuse him of actual emotional abuse towards me, he deliberately misgendering me, deadnamed me, told me I looked like a man and flat-out refused to tackle the question of autism because I couldn't justify why I wanted to tackle it! CONTRAST.
So, knowing he was leaving, I asked him if he could redirect me to someone that could help me. And you know what he told me? He told me that, in most cases, he would be able to... but I'm trans and therefore he can't think of anyone he trusts enough with these questions.
It sucks to hear, but at the same time, I appreciate it. Like, he helped me make a whole file that is going to probably change my life, it's gonna get me disability money and so on, and in it he mentioned that, the fact that I was trans directly opened me to discrimination in my everyday life and workplace. He mentioned the term "transphobia" in it! Not some nebulous mention of discrimination based on my identity. No, he called it for what it is!
Dude was so fucking cool and I already miss him. Like, the first time I met him, he spontaneously went on a rant about how Emmanuel Macron is a shithead transphobe. And he did that before I even mentioned the fact that I was trans! WOAH!
So, yeah. Now, I met the right one. Sure, he stopped, but the guy did everything right, and now I can start to move on with my life. He built me a very solid base to go off of. I now have things that I can show to my future psychiatrist to avoid all of the bullshit I have had to go through every time I met one before him.
So now, when I go see a future psychiatrist, I'll be able to tell them I have this, this, this, and this, and it's diagnosed. Instead of telling them, oh, I think I have this, I also am pretty sure I have this, but you know, it's never been confirmed and whatever, because psychiatrists fucking despise the notion of self-diagnosis, even though for lots of conditions, especially autism in adulthood, it is pretty much a mandatory step. Because lots of them are pedantic assholes who think they're above everyone else cause they have a doctorate and have been taught by a shitty anti-human system to consistently treat their patients as dumbfucks who don't know any better.
I mean, fuck me, I have oncenbeen told that I self-diagnosed the fact that I was trans!
But anyway, it's nice to see someone that isn't any of that, and that was actually great. It means that there are others out there. I'll need to find one. It may take a while.
But yeah, I'm now officially autistic. Which, I mean... duh? But apparently it wasn't that obvious, because it took more than 20 years for it to get diagnosed, but here I go ranting again.
It feels good though. Like, soon I'll be able to probably close a book and open a new one. I've had needs that have been ignored my entire life and finally I'm gonna be able to get the help I need. It's a victory. It's tainted by the fight that it took to get there, but it's still a victory.
Well, shit, I'm about to reach my limit of 1000 words. You know I wanted to make a simple short post about the fact that, hey, I'm officially autistic now. Isn't it cool that I finally can move on in my life and get help I need? But... yeah, I'm incapable of making anything short, am I? I mean a thousand word is my limit for a micro blog. I have a problem. Should have diagnosed that as well.
Oh, and speaking of diagnosis. I'm also now officially diagnosed with chronic depression and an anxiety disorder, with some post-traumatic stress related bullshit, among other things. Which is, you know, less fun. 🙃