2024-09-30 trauma
A NOTE FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY:
This is a very intimate post. Please consider reading this with caution. Please refrain from asking about specific details on this subject.
CONTENT WARNING.
The following contains: Indirect mention of sexual trauma; Mentions of medication use.
You don't have to expose yourself to things that hurt you. Stay safe. ♥
What the fuck is going on in my mind? I'm back in a room, doing something to someone that, looking back, I obviously didn't want to do. Even though I wasn't forced to, I felt like it regardless. I keep telling myself that it wasn't a big deal.
And at first, it wasn't a lot, I did think about it sometimes but that's it. But here I am, I'm in a McDonalds talking about important stuff with my friend and my partner and I'm trying to focus, but all I can think about it's that moment. I'm in a room, doing things I didn't want.
It didn't felt like a big deal to me at the time and now, it's stuck in my mind, I keep thinking about it day after day, it creeps up randomly. Should I talk about it? Should I try and reach out to that person to talk to them about that? Should I tell them that I feel traumatized by some shit they probably read completely differently or even forgot all about? That in that moment, even though they didn't know it, I was doing it against my will? What if I made them feel the same way in doing something I did to them?
Why does it feel like I'm making shit up? I'm trying to make myself believe that I did want it and am just regretting it. That nothing happened, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that I have a warped view of reality. But I know that's not true, I know that even back in that moment, I decided to just go along with it even though I didn't want to, I was trying to convince myself that I wanted it, trying to make myself like it but my body rejected it all the same.
My friend and I are talking about something that's important to me and I'm getting defensive, telling her that she doesn't understand me because it does feel like that, like she doesn't understand me. But I can't tell her that there is a filter between us, that I'm trying hard to focus on the conversation because my brain keeps throwing me back there. My partner moves her feet and hits mine, I jump way more than I should, raising my stress level even more. I want to leave, I want to go and cry in my bedroom.
The conversation gets more intense, I get more defensive, my partner says something that I don't remember and I get defensive at her too, I remember the feeling but none of the words whatsoever, my brain is half on auto pilot. My friend eventually says that maybe we should stop this conversation because it's clear we're all getting riled up, I'm getting even more self-conscious, I can tell she sees that I'm distressed but she doesn't know why, I've been wanting to talk about what's going on but I just can't, I'm stuck in my head.
I tell them that I need to go home, they both tell me "we're about to go anyway" but I grab my backpack and tell them that I just need to go now, and I rush ahead, leaving without much words. On the way home, I grab my headphones and put on a song that fits with the mood I'm in, it doesn't keep me in it, it appeases me, helps me process it. I get home, remove my shoes, grab my laptop, go into the bedroom and immediatly open my text editor and start to type this.
Two paragraphs in, they get home, my friend checks on me, understand I just need space and leaves me to it. I wonder what she's thinking right now, I wonder what they're both thinking right now. I hope they're not thinking they did something wrong, they didn't.
Here I am. What should I do with this? Should I keep it to myself? Bury this in my files to probably never look at it again? Should I show it to my friend and partner without ever being to properly explain to them what happened? Should I post this on my microblog?
Do I want to say this publically when I have friends and family watching? Is it ok for them to see me in such an intimate state? It is my own personal space after all, it just happens to be open to everyone who wants to see it, it would have its place there... but then, would I leave people to wonder what happened to me? That maybe it would leave some people to wonder if they did something wrong when they actually didn't, knowing that even if they did, I would never be able to tell them...
Is this a wound I want to show in the open? Turning this pain into something new, into something that maybe some people can find and relate to? Should I maybe delete everything I just typed?
I don't have answers to any of these questions, I want to open up, I want to talk about it but sometimes, ignorance is bliss. I'm afraid of hurting people with my own pain in trying to reappropriate it. Now, I'm typing this with my friend who came back in the room and is hugging me, I'm trying to escape this feeling but I just can't do it.
I can't run away from this no matter how hard I try.
I'm adding this after the fact. I wanted to take a Xanax but I didn't. This could've turned into a massive panic attack, it was gearing up to be that, hence why I rushed home but it didn't. I wrote that away. I got so focused on it that nothing else came of it.
So in a way, I already turned this pain into something new.