2024-10-05 sorry
My friend recently told me that I had to stop telling her that I was sorry. It's not the first time it happened, but it has gotten to a point where she genuinely can't stand hearing it anymore and it is going to turn into a problem within our relationship if I don't fix that.
It's bad.
Lately, I've been going through quite the bullshit. I've been heavily sleep deprived because no matter how much my body needs sleeps it feels like it also refuses it, so I'm not just being sleep deprived, I'm actually going through insomnia, which is wonderful. But also, the anti-depressant I've been taking for a few weeks now, well, turns out... I'm allergic to it.
I only figured that out recently because hey, I'm depressed and I never go out of my apartment these days, because it's the only place in which I feel kind of safe right now. And because of that, I've been avoiding the sun on my skin, only going out when it's already no longer here.
Two days ago, I actually did go out. And I remember thinking: "Woah, the sun feels really intense!" but not thinking much of it. Well, it turns out that my body was having a strong allergic reaction because of the anti-depressant and the mixture of UV lights, vitamin D or whatever the fuck it was, sparked the reaction. One hour later, my body was weirdly itchy. Night comes, I go to sleep, undress and then, absolute panic as I discover that to my horror, the whole skin on my chest is having a massive allergic reaction to the point where I thought I had contracted measles.
How fun. Got to see my doctor urgently to confirm what was happening because by next morning, the reaction had taken my entire face too.
How do I know it's the anti-depressant? Because we figured out it was an allergic reaction, but to what? This new treatment was the only thing new in my life. So, I read the manual paper thingy for it and it turns out, this exact crap I'm going through is written ALL OVER THE THING. It's a potential, but very common, but also very much undesirable side effect of the treatment. It can turn quite nasty too, thankfully, while my body has been fighting like hell and isn't helped by the insomnia energy wise, I'm going through it and it's going well.
So. I'm insomniac. I'm also having a ridiculous allergic reaction that sometimes makes me feel like my whole body is set ablaze from itchiness that triggers a level of sensory overload that I can't even begin to describe. I'm depressed and anxious. Extremely easily sensorially overloaded. And on top of that, things in my life and my relationships in general are kinda complicated... what could go wrong within my mind?
I'm usually really good at phrasing things, I think 40 times before actually speaking my words, but these days, I'm back to being that autistic kid that used to speak her mind a bit too plainly. Saying everything she thought aloud without too much filter.
I've been really tensed lately. And I can't hide that, withholding my feelings takes too much energy. So I've been openly scared of everything, afraid of making the wrong move at every turn, terrified of hurting people because these people feel like the only that's going right in my life. The people I love are making my world go round, and I'm trying desperately to hold on to them just enough to find safety and comfort, but not too much to avoid taking too much space in their lives. This balancing act makes things hard for me to handle.
So I've been saying sorry a lot, lately. Because I'm so worried of doing everything wrong, I always feel like whatever bad things happens are my fault, like I can't do anything right, like I'm just a bad person and whatever I do will be interpreted wrong and so on. That's typical "traumatized kid turning into an anxious adult" crap, right here.
And the thing is, people who are sorry for everything they do are fucking annoying. I know, because I've had that. And I know because even I sometimes catches myself over-apologizing, like: "Plume, you need to calm down. This is ridiculous."
I'd apologize for existing if I could... and sometimes, I do.
Whatever bad happens, it's easier for me to pin this on myself because that way, there is someone to blame, there is something that can be done and understood about it. I like seeing life and the universe as something that is just chaos and random chance, but chaos and random chance won't do much in the way of explanation and reasoning as to why things go bad.
Sometimes, things are just the way they are because that's how it is, there is no rhyme or reason as to why things have to suck now, no one is to blame for why our problems are present within our daily life right now. Sometimes, it's as simple as: Shit happens. But that's harder to deal with then just blaming your own self and feeling genuine guilt for all the harm you bring into other's people lives even though, you just don't. It's out of your control and you can't accept that, so you're self-destructing your way through trying to find answers.
The only person who I should be sorry for, is for myself. I'm doing my best and I don't deserve to be blamed for everything that I'm trying to do right that ends up going wrong. I deserve an apology from who or what made me think like that about myself, like it's all my fault all the time...
It's just not. I shouldn't be sorry, but I am. I'm trying to be better and at the very least, learn to express my worries and insecurities without taking all of the blame for everything that's wrong. I'm not going to stop being anxious and insecure for completely irrational reasons any day soon, but I can try and handle it better than saying sorry three times per sentence.